Attachment styles created at infancy…are they a template for our future relationships? Did our parents’ certain parenting style in raising us from infancy impact the quality of our adult romantic relationships? Well, based on a few amazing studies, it does in fact seem that an infant’s attachment style forms a model for future relationships.
Based upon how a parent or primary caregiver responds socially and emotionally, it sends messages to the infant; messages on how they should view themselves and even other people in the world. The first attachment that an infant experiences has the power to change and shift their whole life! The first attachment style felt from their parent or caregiver pushes a child (then adult) to have immediate reactions they no longer control, but just feel and act on. These early moments shape our insecurities, confidence in life and our spectrum of trust for others.
For example, does an individual perceive themselves as worthy or unworthy of love? Do they trust the reliability of others during hard times? Do they shut down if asked personal questions? We all have an internal “working model”. Though, perhaps we can’t lock down our attachment style into one itsy bitsy category for all types of relationships. A person may be securely attached to their parents but insecurely attached in romantic relationships. What causes the difference?
First, there a four attachment types. Let’s see which one describes YOU! These four types are: secure, avoidant, anxious, and fearful. Since each of these attachment types are initiated at infancy and childhood, I’ll provide an example of a that scenario first and then a few traits that this attachment style usually develops.
Secure attachment type:
A mother meets the emotional needs of the infant, leading the child to feel secure and safe in their environment. This means the child feels secure exploring a new area when her mother is near. When a stranger approaches, they show some distress, looking back at their mother for guidance. If her mother leaves briefly and returns, the child is happy to see their parent and expresses such emotion, but then continues on their exploration. They know their caregiver is going to be there when needed- that’s what it comes down to. They’ve experienced fear and been offered comfort, they’ve been hesitant of strange place and been shown its safe. These types of people grow into adults and are usually open with their emotions, thoughts and feel comfortable offering support and help to others, while also relying on others. They value relationships and their romantic relationships usually last longer than other attachment types. They are more often than not, secure in the understanding that romantic feelings can move up and down on the spectrum, but it doesn’t mean the love is gone and the relationship is no longer.
Traits to look for if you’re the secure attachment style:
- ability to regulate your emotions
- easily trusting others
- effective communication skills
- ability to seek emotional support
- comfortable being alone
- comfortable in close relationships
- ability to self-reflect in partnerships
- being easy to connect with
- ability to manage conflict well
- high self-esteem
- ability to be emotionally available
Anxious/ Preoccupied:
A mother meets her infants’ needs but then sometimes, she doesn’t. It’s a guessing game and the infant grows insecure and lacks trust. They are clingy with their parent/caregivers in new situations and not willing to explore. When separated from their mother they are very upset and distressed. Interestingly though, when she returns, they are happy to see her but the child can’t be comforted and may even show signs of anger towards the mother. These folks often have a negative view of themselves and a positive view of others. They are always looking for approval and validation in relationships and feel a need to have more physical contact and intimacy from others. They crave intimacy but always remain anxious, unsure of what to predict in their relationships, wondering if their needs will be met. Their attachment system tends to hyperactivate during stressful moments and they depend on their partner for validation and emotional regulation.
Traits to look for if you’re the anxious attachment style:
- clingy tendencies
- highly sensitive to criticism (real or perceived)
- needing approval from others
- jealous tendencies
- difficulty being alone
- low self-esteem
- feeling unworthy of love
- intense fear of rejection
- significant fear of abandonment
- difficulty trusting others
Avoidant/Dismissive attachment:
A mother ignores the emotional needs of the infant. The infant or child doesn’t view mom as their safety net, and they aren’t anxious when separated from their mother. Upon the mother’s return, the child doesn’t show much excitement. This type normally avoids close relationships in order to maintain an independent life without it becoming necessary to be vulnerable. They struggle with intimacy and value self-reliance. These types are unsure of their feelings in romantic relationships and sadly, assume it won’t last. They stifle strong feelings, whether their own or someone else’s, obviously counteracting any positive outcome of future relationships. This type usually goes through relationships at arm’s length, navigating at a safe distance.
Traits to look for if you’re the avoidant attachment style:
- persistently avoid emotional or physical intimacy
- feel a strong sense of independence
- are uncomfortable expressing your feelings
- are dismissive of others
- have a hard time trusting people
- feel threatened by anyone who tries to get close to you
- spend more time alone than interacting with others
- believe you don’t need others in your life
- “commitment issues”
Fearful/disorganized attachment:
This infant or child doesn’t trust their parent or caregiver. If they are separated from their mother for any amount of time, they would feel conflicted on how to respond once their parent returns. They may initially want to go towards their parent to greet them but hesitate with uncertainty. As adults, these “types” experience anxiety and neediness towards their partner. They aren’t secure in the love or reliability of the relationship. They usually go for casual relationships and end things before it goes on too long; not because they’re unhappy, but out of fear of closeness/intimacy developing. In order to get close without becoming emotionally vulnerable, this type usually has more sexual partners. If a person asks deep questions to this type, they usually shut down or remove themselves from the situation. If they are in a relationship with someone secure and calm, they don’t trust it. They may even create unnecessary challenges with their partner to make the relationship more familiar, more toxic, more chaotic (like their childhood).
Traits to look for if you’re the fearful attachment style:
- fear of rejection
- inability to regulate emotions
- contradictory behaviors
- high levels of anxiety
- difficulty trusting others
- signs of both avoidant and anxious attachment styles
I realize that I seem to be a combination of the anxious and secure types. I don’t mind being alone, feel pretty independent and confident in doing my thing. I enjoy being open with those I trust and enjoy communicating on a deep level to intimately connect with people. But on the flip side, when I’m opening up, (feeling vulnerable), I’m prone to crave reassurance, security and validation. My overthinking nature also becomes amplified, and I question everything if I’m not given that security. As I became an adult and navigated my way through relationships, my knee-jerk reaction tended to be “am I good enough”, “are they going to leave because of “insert blank here”, and “why do they even want me”?
My parents were/are supportive and loving towards me, but I do know my parents grew up with me in many ways (they had me when they were very young) and I sometimes had to be the one giving them reassurance and often witnessed their own scarring insecurities in life. I’m at a point now though that I know what I deserve, and I know I’m worthy of being truly loved. Does that mean I don’t get triggered by things and say something based on insecurity or feeling unappreciated? No, definitely not.
So, have you figured out which one you are? Maybe a blend of the two? If we aren’t the oh so “perfect” secure type, what hope do we have? Are we doomed to fail in our relationships? Well, identifying which type we are is step 1. Step 2 is acknowledging those weak areas we fall under and taking action to change those weaknesses.
If we are aware of our tendencies, we can think of future scenarios likely to occur, (scenarios that we envision being triggered by), that follow with an unhealthy, knee-jerk reaction. This will take mounds of work to change, yes, but just being aware and trying to stop ourselves from reacting negatively is a HUGE step of improvement and growth. Start there and keep going!
Personally, I find writing helps me figure out steps and action items I need to take on improving things within myself. Everyone has their own way of growth and self-improvement. No way is better than the other if it’s helping you recognize areas to enrich your life and develop into who we desire to be, not to mention to be a better partner to our spouse, or future partners. Good luck!
References:
Attachment Styles and Their Role in Adult Relationships (simplypsychology.org)
4 Types of Attachment: What’s Your Style? (psychcentral.com)