We all have a history. Our backgrounds are what shape us into who we are today. I’m always curious to know the good, bad, recent, and old stories of those I’m closest to. It had me thinking about my own past and things I’ve worked on within myself. Interestingly, upon pondering over a few situations that stood out to me, I grasped how certain fears I hadn’t yet worked on during a select time in my life, initiated many moments of me running away from good things or hurting people unintentionally. I was afraid of being viewed as trying to change someone, so instead of vocalizing a concern, I’d end a relationship or put-up walls to avoid hurting someone. But in reality, I was making someone else feel like they weren’t worth the effort or time and worst of all, breaking trust. It bothers me now more than I’d like to admit.
I went through two very specific phases in my life where I wasn’t living for myself. I’ll compare these phases to sand castle molds that children often use to build a sand castle. One of which was a “mold” that was shaping me to be what everyone else wanted me to be, then in small bursts, I’d seek out what really made me joyful. But then…. I’d feel the pressure, the guilt, the worry of disappointing people, and I’d run away from what made me soul sing. I hurt people by abruptly ending things, all because of that worry that was built on sand…not solid ground. As we all know, sand shifts, sinks in, and consistently fluctuates. Making decisions to please other people will never make you happy long-term. When you become more self-aware and are able to recognize when you’re motivated to make a decision for someone else (or a deeply rooted way of thinking that is no longer truly yours), that decision is motivated off a temporary mindset and guilted consciousness. Little-by-little, the waves will wipe the carefully shaped sand away, and the sand castle you built for everyone else will no longer be there.
The second phase (mold) was a fear of being unhappy and stuck in that unhappiness. I had been in a very unhappy situation for years, where I was confined and manipulated to feel like there was no way out of the relationship. Once I was free from that cage, later on, if I saw something in someone that created a question of doubt or small concern, rather than talk about the concern, I’d run. I’d end the relationship, despite the bond, love, trust, time, connection and genuine joy I had with this person. Ending things due to pressure from upbringing and due to fear of regretting a forever mistake….it haunted me for a large chunk of my life and I hurt people I loved.
I felt a lot of pain from one of these people later on in life when trying to reunite again. I was never their priority, they never seemed to care about me as much and they were even cold and inconsiderate. I always assumed it was just this person being selfish and a workaholic. But after realizing the trust I broke by leaving abruptly and ending things due to my 2 impulsive phases, (that I’ve now overcome), I realize that assumption may have been wrong. I broke the trust because I couldn’t trust my instincts or this person, because of a cage that I had been pushing against for far too long. This cage left scars…and instead of healing them, they led to years of heartache. I can’t help but wonder if this person knew this all along, but never wanted to hurt me by telling me so. They always looked at me differently after I ended things on “shifty grounds”…now I think I know why.
The thing about sand…it sticks to everything. Despite recognizing the adjustments needed, working on the mindset, reaction and subconscious instincts that can take over, there is always still some sand lingering behind, reminding you of the pain, the loss and the mistakes you can’t undo.