What would you do differently if you knew nobody was judging you? I know what I would do. I’d frolic everywhere I went, I’d never wear makeup, I’d more than likely sing out loud all the time (because I always have a song in my head) and I’d be much more carefree with being center of attention. Oh, and pajamas. I’d love to just leave those on-ALL day. The image of a woman rampantly frolicking, who may or may not appear homeless and singing loudly is one I may need to tuck away and lock the door to.
Now, I’m not one to draw notice to myself if I can help it, but pondering over this idea made me question, is not wanting attention based on the fact that I don’t feel comfortable having multiple eyes on me at once or is it deeper than that that? Is it the fear of them judging me that makes me avoid being center of attention? I’m an overthinker and I analyze every situation to my detriment. If I feel like I did or said something that hurt someone, or came out wrong, I usually cringe and shudder to myself, wishing the thought would wash away like a muddy footprint. Alas, it doesn’t. It haunts me for a bit…like someone took a permanent marker to my skin that slowly fades after a week or so. UNTIL that is, something triggers my memory to pull that blush inducing moment back into the forefront and I cringe, shudder once more, and then immediately try to distract my thoughts with something more pleasant.
Is my uneasiness with being the center of attention based solely on judgment or perhaps being misunderstood? I’m not a insecure person and I have opinions about things that not everyone agrees with. I will speak up if I don’t agree with something, but never want to force my feelings on others. Being judged is a real fear for some I suppose. Though I think knowing we are being judged can also offer another level of motivation to be extra thoughtful, respectful, considerate, and perceptive. But being a good person should happen when people are observing you and when you’re within your own secluded box of consciousness. In a world with no judgement, how far would some take it?
