When are you happiest? Alone? With people? A happy blend of both? Do you enjoy a life of spontaneity and freedom from routine? Or do you find you draw towards regimented days and obligations to center you? I realized I sometimes find myself longing for what I don’t have. If I’m constantly on the run, fulfilling commitment after commitment, all I want is a break from obligations and routine. If I am l on a long, leisurely vacation, after a few days, I feel uncomfortable, unsure of what I should even be feeling and crave routine.
When I lived alone, I was often appreciative of it because I knew I enjoyed my alone time more often than conversing time, no question there, but I also craved some background noise, some sporadic interaction, affection and some quality company that was comfortable and meaningful. Now that I no longer live alone and my husband is often home (more than I am actually), I find I’m grasping for moments of alone time, where I can walk around and feel only my presence to worry for…to be completely free. I feel apologetic thinking that way until I realized, part of this is because I feel so deeply. I’m always wanting to do good, be good, represent! It’s hard to just be still, be at rest, when I feel an obligation to someone else’s happiness.
I’ve heard a lot of people that are more of an introvert and also occupy the (J) personality trait (from Myers Briggs/16 Personalities, link below) are more prone to thrive on a routine, but in the same regard, it can also drain us. We long for a break from the exhausting, monotonous regimen, but once we get it, after a point, we’re in panic mode, needing an obligation to focus on and center our brain. I wonder if it’s due to the overthinking tendency of this personality type and our mind being unsure of how to function without an obligation to pull us out of overthinking mode… or is it because our brain is always on such a rampant wheel of analyzing the details of life, we feel out of place if we’re not physically running that same wheel, spinning along from task to task. Without that, its as if our brain and our body are out of sync. Perhaps this is why I need to do something physically taxing every day to tire my mind out a bit.
Our minds are such odd creatures…pulling us into so many reflective “war zones” unnecessarily. I like that I ponder over things, notice and care so greatly…but I also wonder what it must be like to be an oblivious person, unaware of others and not worrying about anything. What must that be like?
