“What is love? Oh baby, don’t hurt me. Don’t hurt me, no more…”, credits to Haddaway for some jamming tunes from 93! Were you bobbing your head, or was that only me?
Love…what is it? What does love mean to you? Can you only have one true, authentic love in your lifetime? Or is it possible to experience true love, multiple times? There are three components of love: passion, intimacy, and commitment. Have you experienced one of these components solely and thought, “THIS IS IT!”, only to be hugely disappointed when it fades out, leaving you confused, lonely and wondering what went wrong?
When I consider what makes me fall in love with someone, it’s initially the person they reveal themselves to be. This would encompass the traits they carry, the energy they exude, the drive they have towards what means most to them, having similar priorities in life, and connection-a meaningful, deep connection (AKA emotional intimacy). That last one, (deep connection) is the one thing I realized quite some time ago, varies greatly. I’d jump in, eager to understand and learn this person, hoping the connection would follow. The attraction and desired traits were there, but the connection…hm. Sometimes it was an immediate, waterfall of meaningful connection that would blast me in the face with wonderous elation. In other experiences, the connection was either non-existent or it would come slowly…more than likely because everyone opens up at a different pace. All the more reason to give people a few chances.
A roll of tape doesn’t unroll itself, sometimes it needs someone to find that edge of the tape and pull the corner up slowly, carefully, to avoid tearing it. Once that person gets the full width lifted up, the roll of tape unpeels easily and serves a great purpose. The once hard to lift tape is now free and floating, connecting to everything (you) and building a strong, deep connection, (if you so choose).
Why do some of the relationships that check those boxes off work out long-term, while others don’t? Well, despite connections built, they are their own person and we are our own. We can’t force anyone to want what we do or feel what we feel. Secondly, putting another person before yourself isn’t easy. We’re human. We have a drive to survive and as we age, we have other priorities, responsibilities, and passions that we focus on. Whether due to obligation or desire to achieve something that allows us to feel at peace with ourselves.
Perhaps it’s finding the right balance of someone who strives to put the other first, but is also well aware that they need to make themselves a priority in order to keep giving. In order to be our best selves, to feel whole, we need to nourish our soul, our health, and understand our personal needs. If we do, we’ll have healthy, attentive energy towards the most important person in our life. (Psst! Hopefully they are actually the most important person in your life!) Not allowing the other person to do this can lead to resentment and that can quickly poison a relationship.
Love is indeed a mysterious forest, without any map or compass to show us if this one is the real deal, leading us to the glorious treasure. We don’t know if they will always continue to put the effort in. We don’t always understand love. It varies and there is no “one right way” to love everyone. But in my mere perspective, if it’s easy to be with this person, you share commonalities, you want to learn each other, you feel excited to have them by your side, or in your arms, is that enough? It’s a pretty good start.
If you want to show someone you love them, what can you do? Here’s a few things to consistently do: be vulnerable, forgiving, humble, attentive, patient, listen when they express needs, all the while providing affection and really, just experience life by their side. We don’t really know why we fall in love with some people on an earth-shattering level and others may just feel safe or normal. But I do think after we’ve experienced those different types of love (passionate, intimate, commitment) in different variations, we sense what the perfect balance of those three components is. We just know. Once we find it, it’s the real deal.
Love is indeed complex and society puts out a lot of pressure to find it. All the more reason to find out what’s motivating you to find love, make sure you can handle the responsibility of it, and if you do have it, make sure to tend it and nurture it. Love never fails…well, as long as you make sure to give it a “tune-up” now and then. All things need maintenance to sustain, especially long-lasting love.
References:
https://www.hofstra.edu/pdf/community/slzctr/stdcsl/stdcsl_triangular.pdf